Happy Birthday Baby Girl!

My memory never served me well, I don’t remember my everyday schedule, I don’t remember birthdays, I don’t remember  doctor’s appointments,  I don’t even remember our anniversary, but my phone, my most loyal servant is always there for me with useful reminders and mementos that I desperately need.
Today my phone’s screen did not light up, it did not have to, I knew even before my mind woke up to reality that it had been a month since I brought you into this world. In this sea of things that I do not remember, I remember perfectly the night that I gave birth to you, I remember every moment we spent together eating, laughing, knitting, loving, I remember every kick my rib cage was blessed with while you were practicing your graceful ballerina moves, I remember the three kicks you gifted your father with the night before our future was torn to pieces and spread across the skies so that we can never find it again, I remember the chocolate, raspberry and sour cherry cake I had planned to make for your one month anniversary … I remember EVERYTHING.

Today my soul is having cake, be it cake of suffering  and love cream sprinkled with lots and lots of longing .. .it is still cake. But in your honor, our little princess we will also have a slice of cake that we had dreamed of. We will blow out your candle and hope that maybe a tiny piece of the cake will go up to you together with all the love we have for you.
I will always remember your birthday, my love.  I will always remember everything I felt and still feel for you, our tiny princess, and NO, I will never need a reminder for that.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY FRANCESCA! How I wish I could hold you right now.

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Nu am stat niciodata bine cu memoria, nu tin minte programul pentru fiecare zi, nu tin minte zile de nastere, nu tin minte programarile la doctor, nu tin minte nici aniversarea relatiei noastre, dar telefonul, servitorul meu de nadejde imi este mereu alaturi cu reminderele si mementourile de care am nevoie.

Astazi ecranul telefonului nu s-a aprins, nici nu era nevoie, am stiut inainte ca mintea mea sa se trezeasca la realitate ca a trecut o luna de cand te-am adus pe lumea asta. In marea de lucruri pe care nu le tin minte imi amintesc perfect noaptea in care te-am nascut, imi amintesc fiecare clipa pe care am petrecut-o impreuna mancand, razand, crosetand, iubind, imi amintesc fiecare lovitura pe care mi-ai dat-o in coaste in timp ce iti exersai gratioasele miscari de balerina, imi amintesc cele trei lovituri pe care i le-ai daruit lui tati cu o noapte inainte ca viitorul nostru sa fie sfasiat si imprastiat in mii de zari pentru ca noi sa nu il gasim niciodata, imi amintesc tortul de ciocolata cu zmeura si visine pe care vroiam sa il fac pentru tine cand vei implini o luna … imi amintesc TOT

Astazi sufletul meu serveste un tort cu blat de suferinta si crema de iubire presarata cu foarte foarte mult dor, dar in cinstea ta, micuta noastra printesa vom manca si o felie de tort asa cum am visat. Vom sufla lumanarica si vom spera ca un gram din acest tort va ajunge la tine impreuna cu toata dragostea pe care ti-o purtam.
Voi tine mereu minte ziua ta de nastere, iubirea mea.  Voi tine mereu aminte tot ceea ce am simtit si voi simti mereu pentru tine, micuta noastra printesa, si nu, nu voi avea niciodata nevoie de remindere pentru asta.LA MULTI ANI FRANCESCA! Cat de mult mi-as dori sa te pot strange in brate.

 

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