The puzzle of my broken heart…

A few years ago someone got us a puzzle, a very nice painting of a wild horse. The image itself is absolutely beautiful but I never had the courage to unwrap it up because I always found it impossible to assemble.

Now, in the midst of life after you and because I can’t find many things to keep my mind busy I have spread the puzzle all over our living-room coffee table. I began the assembly, as usual, by separating the edge pieces. They were the first piece drowned in my tears, but the puzzle never said a word about it, it does not criticize and does not hurry me up. He listens quietly and waits patiently for me to put together every piece of my soul that I find spread out in this reality that I still can’t get myself to accept. Some of the pieces don’t fit together but I keep trying and the puzzle is never cross. He waits patiently for me to realize that the shape or color of the given piece is not the one I’m looking for and then explains the same thing to me all over again as I desperately try to shove the same piece into another place where it does not fit.

Sometimes I feel I’m at the end of my rope and that I should stop trying to rebuild the person I used to be, but the puzzle keeps encouraging me to take it one piece at a time promising at the same time that every piece will set my soul at ease … how right he is.

I didn’t try counting the pieces, I am sure I would find all 1000 one of them in the plastic bag, just like the box states, but I wonder how many pieces my soul is made out of. Has anyone seen the box? Can anyone tell me what it says on my soul’s box? Actually if you found it, don’t tell me, I don’t want to know. I’m sure I will never find all the missing pieces and I don’t want to be forever sad because of it.

It’s quite hard assembling a puzzle when you have no idea what it’s supposed to look like, but I will do my best to fit at least one piece every day. At the end of my life, when my soul’s puzzle will be left unfinished please show me the box for I would like to see the whole picture at least once, the way things were supposed to be … having Dottie and Francesca right beside me and all the others whom I love but will pass away before me.

My love, you have left a big hole in the puzzle of my soul, a hole that I will never be able to fill, a Francesca shaped hole (a baby girl with tutu, pigtails and angel wings) that I cherish with all my heart. No one will ever be able to replace you and no other piece will ever fit in that part of my soul’s puzzle. I’ll carry you in my heart forever and I am sure that at the end of my life when we meet again you will be the one to show me the whole image of my life’s puzzle and you will make me feel like I have finally found the last missing pieces of my broken heart.

We’ll love you forever more than words can say, our beautiful ballerina.

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Acum cativa ani am primit cadou un puzzle, e o pictura foarte realista a unui cal salbatic. Imaginea in sine este foarte frumoasa, dar nu am avut niciodata curajul sa il desfac pentru ca mi s-a parut intodeauna imposibil de realizat.

Acum, dupa plecarea ta si in lipsa altor lucruri care sa imi ocupe mintea am imprastiat pe masuta din sufragerie piesele acestui puzzle. Am inceput, ca intodeauna prin sortarea marginilor. Ele au fost primele piese scaldate in lacrim, dar puzzle-ul nu se supara, nu critica, nu ma grabeste. El asculta linistit si asteapta rabdator sa asez la locul ei fiecare piesa a sufletului meu pe care o gasesc imprastiata in aceasta realitate ce inca nu stiu daca pot sa o accept. Unele piese fizice sau sufletesti nu se potrivesc, dar eu insist si puzzle-ul nu se supara nici pentru asta. El asteapta rabdator ca eu sa imi dau seama ca forma sau culoarea nu este cea pe care o cautam si apoi la fel de rabdator imi explica acelasi lucru si pentru urmatorul loc in care, in disperarea mea, incerc sa indes piesa ce o tin in mana.

Uneori simt ca am ajuns la capatul puterilor sau al incercarilor de a reconstrui ceea ce am fost inainte, dar puzzle-ul ma incurajeaza mereu si ma roaga cu multa intelegere sa incerc sa mai asez inca o piese, si inca o piesa, promitandu-mi mereu ca fiecare piesa imi va oferi o noua satisfactie sufleteasca… cata dreptate are.

Nu am incercat sa numar piesele puzzle-ului, sunt sigura ca in punga as gasi toate cele 1000 de piese, asa cum spune si cutia, dar oare puzzle-ul sufletului meu cate piese are? A gasit cineva cutia? Poate cineva sa imi spuna ce scrie pe ea? Defapt, daca ati gasit cutia, nu imi spuneti, nu vreau sa stiu. Sunt sigura ca nu voi gasi niciodata toate piesele si nu vreau sa fiu mereu trista in lipsa acestora.

E greu sa faci un puzzle atunci cand nu stii cum ar trebui sa arate, dar voi incerca in fiecare zi sa potrivesc macar o piesa, iar la sfarsitul vietii, atunci cand puzzle-ului sufletului meu ii vor lipsi o gramada de piese, va rog totusi sa imi aratati cutia, as vrea sa vad, macar o data imaginea intreaga, asa cum ar fi trebuit sa fie … cu Dottie si Francesca si toti ceilalti pe care ii iubesc, dar a caror drum in aceasta viata se va termina inaintea mea.

Iubita mea balerina, ai lasat in puzzle-ul sufletului meu un gol pe care nu voi reusi niciodata sa il umplu, e un gol cu forma ta (cu tutu, codite si aripioarede ingeras) pe care il pretuiesc enorm. Nimeni nu va putea sa te inlocuiasca si nici o alta piesa nu se va potrivi in locul pe care il ocupi tu in sufletul meu. Te port mereu in suflet si sunt sigura ca atunci cand viata va lua sfarsit si ne vom reintalni, tu vei fi cea care imi va arata imaginea de pe cutie si ma va face sa simt ca am gasit dupa ani si ani de cautare ultimele piese ale sufletului meu.

Te iubim nespus de mult frumoasa noastra balerina.

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