Of Time and Other Demons…

Today we went to see a movie. It was the first time after saying goodbye to our baby girl. I found it only fitting that it should be a children’s movie… or so I thought.

As all bereaved parents surely know when you are in the depths of your grief everything you see, hear, read or watch is somehow connected to your child. You hear a song and connect it to your child, you see children on the street your mind flies back to your baby, you watch a movie and no matter what it is about you somehow manage to connect it to your baby … the mind works in mysterious ways.
Having said this, the movie we went to see was Alice Through The Looking Glass and it quickly made it to my favorite movies list.  It has so much to offer both story wise and wisdom wise for in the end you are left with so many questions but also with a bittersweet feeling of enlightenment.

The entire story of the movie revolves around Time. How Time passes by unseen and unheard, how it reigns over our past, present and future,  how it can be both our friend and our worst enemy and how it cannot heal all wounds.

Back when I was pregnant with Francesca I felt like time stood still. All I wanted was for it to fly by and let me finally see her, hold her, touch her, kiss her, love her with everything I had. Then out of nowhere time listened to my request, way too soon, and brought her to us. It was then that I hated time the most, the time we did not have with her,  the time she was not given on this earth, the time that we were robbed of as a family.

Somewhere along the movie Alice tells Time that she does not want to part with her father’s watch and Time’s reply went straight to my soul “Everyone parts with everything eventually, my dear ” and so did we… we parted with everything we held dearest and now we have to learn to live and spend every second of our time here on earth both for us and for our baby girl.

Once again I feel like time stood still for us, it might be the pain that is making me feel that way  but there are days when I wish we could get to the finish line already and see her again…. but Time is not on our side this time either…

“I used to think time was a thief. But you give before you take. Time is a gift. Every minute. Every second”. Most days it is very hard to appreciate this gift when you cannot share it with the ones you love most and unlike everything  people say this gift does not seem to heal all wounds. Some wounds are not meant to be healed and that is ok…

One other great thing that this movie has brought to my attention is that “You might not change the past, but you might learn something from it.”  Even though most days I wonder what we are all suppose to learn from this pain I’m sure that somewhere along the way some good will come out of this… Time cannot be this cruel.

C (my husband) is an animal lover, cat’s in particular so he instantly fell in love with the Cheshire cat. I guess he sees some similarities between this cute invisible cat and our baby girl. “Now you see me, now you don’t … just my tail” … once we saw her, now we don’t, but the love is still there.

Like all other beautiful stories the movie ends in a dramatic, sobbie kind of way when dear friends have to  say goodbye and Alice goes back to her world leaving The Mad Hatter behind.  Here is where my motherly mother’s heart kicked in and tears came rushing in.  Once again I thought about saying goodbye to our baby girl and about the fact that our worlds are separated at this time just like the ones in the movie. Then the Hatter said something so beautiful  it made me smile and cry at the same time:

“Hatter:  In the garden of memory, in the palace of dreams—That is where you and I shall meet.
Alice:     But a dream is not reality.
Hatter:   But who is to say which is which?”

And in the end does it really matter which is which as long as I get to hold you from time to time, my love?

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