Thanks Mom…

More than a week after my birthday, I finally got myself to write these words. I don’t know why it took me so long, but it just seems like these “special” days are just too unbearable to think of.

For years and years my husband and I have celebrated my birth week, I would get presents everyday and my existence would be celebrated for seven days each year … it used to be sweet and lovable but this year I couldn’t even do it for one day…

The first and only thing I could wish upon when I woke up in the morning was for the pain to go away. But it cannot because this pain is the sign of unimaginable love, a love that fills my heart and makes my soul shine bright in the darkness of my life, a love that not even death can take away.

Not many people thought of me on my birthday, or it could be that they were just too scared to call because, really, what do you wish a person for their birthday when you didn’t even have the decency to call after they said goodbye to their child?

The few people who actually thought of me that day knew not to wish me a HAPPY birthday because really it was not and I really appreciated it. Some people called to wish me lots of health and a better year and some gave me the best gift possible in these circumstances, their time and patience while I talked about Francesca.  And on my birthday, for just a few seconds, I finally smiled again with my whole heart while talking about my sweet daughter… this was the best birthday gift, the gift of hope… hope that one day this pain will be transformed and that my heart will only be filled with love and there will be less sorrow in sight.

My mother insisted on pointing out that it was my birthday and she was the only one I did not feel like denying this opportunity.  Twenty nine years ago on that very special day she suffered great physical pain in order to bring me into this world. She “worked really hard” for hours and hours in order to be able to see me, to hold me, to kiss me and love me like every mother does. I think this year was the first time I realized that my birthday is as much my day as it is hers.  She is the one who carried me for nine months, the one who brought me into this world, the one who held my hand when I was scared and the one who still wipes my tears when the pain gets really unbearable but most of all she is the one who reminds me that I got to do some of those things with Francesca and some I can only imagine doing with my daughter.  So thanks mom for creating this beautiful person … thank you for creating Francesca’s mom…

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La mai mult de o saptamana de la ziua mea am reusit sa astern in final aceste cuvinte. Nu stiu de ce mi-a luat atat de mult, dar uneori aceste “ocazii speciale” sunt mult prea dureroase.

Multi ani la rand eu si sotul meu am sarbatorit saptamana nasterii mele, iar eu primeam cadouri in fiecare zi timp de sapte zile … era dulce, chiar adorabil, dar anul acesta nu am putut sa o facem nici macar pentru o zi.
Primul si singurul lucru pe care mi l-am dorit cand m-am trezit in acea dimineata a fost ca aceasta durere sa dispara. Dar asta este un lucru imposibil, pentru ca aceasta durere este urmarea unei iubiri inimaginabile, o dragoste ce imi umple inima si imi face sufletul sa straluceasca in intunecimea vietii mele, o dragoste pe care moartea nu o poate lua.

Nu multi s-au gandit la mine de ziua mea, sau poate le-a fost prea frica sa ma sune pentru ca realitatea e ca nu prea ai ce sa ii spui unei persoane de ziua ei daca nu ai fost in stare sa o suni dupa ce si-a luat ramas bun de la copilul ei.

Putinii oameni care s-au gandit la mine in acea zi au stiut ca nu am parte de o zi fericita asa ca mi-au urat doar sanatate si un an nou mai bun, iar unii dintre ei mi-au daruit cel mai frumos cadou in aceste circumstante, timpul si rabdarea lor in timp ce eu am povestit despre Francesca. De ziua mea, pentru doar cateva secunde, am reusit sa zambesc din nou cu toata inima in timp ce povesteam despre fetita mea… aceasta a fost cel mai frumos cadou, speranta … speranta ca intr-o zi durerea asta se va transforma si ca in inima mea va ramane doar dragostea.

Mama a insistat sa sublinieze faptul ca este ziua mea si a fost singura careia nu m-am impotrivit. Acum douazeci si noua de ani, in acea zi speciala ea s-a chinuit mult ca sa ma aduca pe lume. Mama a “muncit” ore multe pentru a putea sa ma vada, sa ma tina in brate, sa ma pupe si sa ma iubeasca asa cum o fac toate mamele. Anul acesta am realizat pentru prima data ca aceasta zi este atat de mult a mea cat si a ei. Ea este cea care  m-a purtat timp de noua luni, cea care m-a adus pe aceasta lume, cea care m-a tinut de mana atunci cand imi era frica si cea care inca imi sterge lacrimile atunci cand durerea e prea greu de dus, dar mai mult decat orice altceva ea este cea care imi aduce aminte ca unele dintre aceste lucruri le-am facut si eu cu Francesca, iar altele pot doar sa imi imaginez cum ar fi fost …
Asa ca iti multumesc mama ca ai creat o fiinta asa frumoasa… iti multumesc ca ai creat-o pe mama Francescai….

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