This is life in color

Before my daughter’s existence split our life in two I used to see the world in pastel colors. The colors were muted and sometimes lifeless, a beautiful pale girly pink, like the one for ballerinas … my ballerina. I didn’t realize that life’s colors are not just pink and pastels but that it lies  in front of us in thousand of colors unseen before.

Once we had Francesca I learned that the intensity of a color can even hurt your soul, that sometimes love’s red can shatter your entire heart and that the longing is the same color as the sea that drowns you. Other times life can be a non-color, it can be black and white or seventy thousand shades of grey, but somehow the colors always come back and intertwine with our heart revealing unsuspected feelings.

After Francesca was born I started noticing all these things and now the world lies in front of my eyes in colors that are much more intense.   Now I realize what is important and I’m learning to appreciate every color that life gives me. I have learned that the intensity of a feeling can determine the intensity of the color that surrounds it.

There are times, in the morning, when I don’t need to open my eyes to see the colors in my life. I can see them from the moment my mind wakes in this reality that I sometimes do not want to accept. Every moment of every day may come dressed in sadness black, love red, jealousy yellow or thousands of other colors. I don’t even know what color I could associate to hate because it is a feeling that I have not know before. It is a feeling I wish I never knew but which has shaken my soul at the most unexpected times since the loss of our daughter.

Life represents the blue of the skies and the colors of butterflies. Life is the green of the flowers that grow even without her here. I wish I could capture all of life’s colors in my soul and build a rainbow of feelings. I wish that at the end of it… at the end of my life I could gift Francesca with this rainbow or maybe I’ll just find HER at the other end of it…

 


 

Inainte ca existenta ficei mele sa imi imparta viata in doua vedeam lumea in culori pastel. Erau niste culori sterse si uneori fara viata, un roz palid si frumos ca pentru fetite, ca pentru balerine… pentru balerina mea. Nu imi dadeam seama ca viata nu este doar in culori de roz sau alte culori pastelate ci se asterne in fata noastra in mii si mii de culori, unele nemaivazute.

Odata cu Francesca am invatat ca intensitatea culorilor poate sa doara. Uneori rosul iubirii e atat de dureros incat iti cutremura intreag sufletul, iar dorul are culoarea marii care te ineaca. Alteori viata e in nonculori, viata poate sa fie alba si neagra sau poate sa aiba saptezeci de mii de nuante de gri, dar prin modalitati inexplicabile culorile revin mereu si se impletesc in inima noastra scotand la iveala sentimente nebanuite

Dupa venirea Francescai in viata noastra am inceput sa vad toate aceste lucruri, iar acum lumea se intinde in fata ochilor mei in culori mult mai intense. Acum imi dau seama de ceea ce este important si invat sa apreciez fiecare culoare pe care viata mi-o oferta. Acum invat ca intensitatea unui sentiment determina si intensitatea culorii care il imbraca. Acum viata noastra nu mai este doar in culori pastel, dar amintirea balerinei noastre a ramas in continuare de un roz superb, un roz balerinic.

De multe ori, dimineata, nu este nevoie sa deschid ochii pentru a vedea culorile vietii mele ci in momentul in care mintea se trezeste la realitate este invadata instant de acestea. Fiecare moment al fiecarei zile poate aduce cu el negru de tristete, rosu de iubire, galbenul de gelozie si mii si mii de alte culori. Nici nu stiu ce culoare as putea sa asociez urii pentru ca e un sentiment pe care nu il cunoasteam inainte, un sentiment pe care as fi dorit sa nu il cunosc niciodata, dar care trebuie sa recunosc ca mi-a rascolit sufletul in cele mai neasteptate clipe.

Viata e albastru cerului si culorile fluturasilor, viata e verdele florilor care cresc si in lipsa ficei mele. Viata asta are atat de multe culori… as vrea sa pot sa le captez pe toate in sufletul meu si sa creez un curcubeu de sentimente, iar la sfarsitul ei… la sfarsitul vietii mele as vrea sa il pot da Francescai in dar … sau poate o voi gasi pe EA la capatul cealalalta al curcubeului…

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