There are so many things I could talk about when it comes to myths regarding grief but I’ll just chose the biggest one of all.
It’s been more than six month since we have started walking on this journey and the thing I’ve heard most often is that “TIME heals all wounds”. I’m pretty sure that the person who first said that knew nothing of child loss.
When your child dies you get your heart broken in millions of tiny pieces that you will never get back and the only part you are left with has a gaping wound, a big dark hole in the middle. At first it scares you and you just stay as far away as you can, petrified and numb, but as the days go by you feel a powerful force pulling you closer until you are right there at the edge looking into the dark abyss. And then you jump, you take a leap of faith in hope that you will find some of your missing pieces in the darkness, but they are not there… however in the darkness you find others walking the same path as you and you feel less alone. As days go by, you become stronger and your eyes adjust to the darkness so much, that you finally see a glimpse of hope and you start crawling your way to the top. You fall again and again but you never give up because you promised your child you’d live for both of you. And when you finally make it out you chose to stay by the edge for days at an end because that is where you feel closest to your child, in that place where pain meets love.
Just because the gaping wound does not look as scary to you anymore does not mean that it is healing, just that you’ve gotten used to it and you have learned your way around it.
Grief is not linear, it is messy and sad and in some days (weeks, months or years away from now) you will chose to jump again or someone will push you but you will not feel scared anymore because you know your way around.
Time does not heal all wounds and it certainly does not heal this one. You will never forget your child. My daughter will always live in the warmth of my very very broken heart and together with her I will continue to grow and experience life, in spite of my wound.
Today I read online a thing that made me smile, it said that grief is “like badly breaking an ankle that never heals perfectly, and that still hurts when you dance, but you dance anyway with a slight limp, and this limp just adds to the depth of your performance and the authenticity of your character.” It was such a beautiful way of saying we will forever carry the ones we love in our hearts and that time will never heal our longing.