Capture you Grief – Day 13. Dear World

Dear World,
While you kept on turning, death hit the pause button on my life when Francesca’s heart stopped beating. I know I am small and insignificant, just a drop in an ocean but my love for her is a spark in a sea of grey and you can see it from way up high. She is my daughter, she will forever be my daughter, she is precious, she is kind, she made the world a better place, she is loved and she deserves to be remembered. So, whenever you feel like your instincts are telling you to just sweep her under the rug and pretend that she was never here remember that before she died, she lived and her life deserves to be honored.
Francesca’s mom

Love creates more love

My dearest love,

Five years ago today I was unsure… Unsure I would have a good hair day, unsure of walking in those damn five inch heals shoes , unsure  I would look pretty enough, unsure I was good enough for you … but I was never unsure of wanting to marry you… You, the man I fell in love with more that ten years ago, the man whose blue eyes mesmerize me every time I look into them, the man who still kisses me with the same passion he did the very first time, the man whose embrace makes me feel safe even in my darkest hour… I was never unsure of that.

This has been an interesting road we’ve been walking for the past five years … We have walked under beautiful blue skies and in pitch darkness but the only thing that matters is that we have walked side by side and that we never let go of each other and that is something i am thankful for everyday.

With you and because of you I have learned what true love is in all it’s sense… And I will never be able to thank you enough for this great gift that you have given me.
I have learned that love is not always smiley and joyful but that it can simply be your lifeline in your deepest sorrow and that is more important than all the smiles in the world.

On this beautiful day while sailing the Mediterranean sea together I can honestly say that I have no regrets. Do I wish we would be changing stinky diapers and struggling to stay awake after countless sleepless nights? YES!!!! But that does not mean I do not appreciate our love with everything I have or that I feel that it is not enough…
You, my love, have taught me what it means to be loved and because of you I have also learned what it means to love with every cell in my body. Our love has created more love and I love our love with everything I have…
Happy nannynursery my love…

My favorite color is … Rainbow

Dear rainbow hunter,

As I sit here doing my best to write a short birthday card to a bereaved mother I know that there are no appropriate greetings for a day like this. I wish with all my heart that I could just say “Happy birthday!”  but I know it would mean nothing to you and maybe it would make you feel even more heartbroken.
I wish I could give you a day filled with laughter and joy but instead you’ll probably have just another day of tearful eyes and a heart filled with love.
I wish I could give back to you all the light and love that you have shone on my soul when I was in my darkest moments so that it could brighten up your day and help you see the rainbow. You know even though the most beautiful stars only shine in darkens, rainbows chose to live in the light and that is where your soul will be reborn. Continue reading “My favorite color is … Rainbow”

Dear Grief…

Dear Grief,

Though I wish I didn’t know you, we have become close friends and I’m terribly sorry for that. But since we are here already, there is nothing else for me to do than to ask you in, invite you at our table and offer you a coffee, maybe even a piece of cake… Welcome to the dark side… we have cookies.

It’s been such a hard road, with you by my side and most days I wish I could just figure out how others made it out alive because sometimes I don’t know if I can.

Your presence is like the hug of the true friends than never came, it holds on really tight. Most of the times it still feels like some sort of quicksand that might suffocate me…  I guess the best thing I can do is stop fighting it. Continue reading “Dear Grief…”

On This Day…

Dear Papa Bear,
On this day, when a big part of the society we live in celebrates what is supposed to be a wonderful day, a day that you, the men in our lives, deserve completely, I will speak on behalf of our daughter and I will tell you that she would have loved to be able to hug you and tell you that you are a wonderful Dad, today and every day.

Although she is not here and is unable to give you this gift, Francesca is extremely proud to have chosen you to be her father and she would have wished for the two of you to be able to do all the things you dreamed of. She wanted, from the bottom of her tiny heart, for you to be able to hold her hand while you wonder in amazement how small her hand is in comparison to yours. She wanted for you to carry her on your shoulders and fly her around the house as you do with Tatty Teddy. She wanted to dance with you. She wanted to be your “player two”. She wanted you to teach her how to ride a bike. She wanted to smile at you every day. She wanted to paint your nails and have tea parties with you. She wanted you to finally get to wear that T-shirt that you never did. She wanted you to know that you are LOVED. Continue reading “On This Day…”