Capture your Grief – Day 7. Myths

There are so many things I could talk about when it comes to myths regarding grief but I’ll just chose the biggest one of all.
It’s been more than six month since we have started walking on this journey and the thing I’ve heard most often is that “TIME heals all wounds”. I’m pretty sure that the person who first said that knew nothing of child loss.

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Capture your Grief – Day 4. Support Circles

There are many things that I have learned on this grief journey and one of them is the meaning of support.
Support is the husband that holds you in his arms and rubs your back while you cry your eyes out even when others think you should have “gotten over it by now”.
Support is the teddy you carried out of the hospital when you were unable to take your baby home like everyone else.
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Six months ago…

My favorite color is … Rainbow

Dear rainbow hunter,

As I sit here doing my best to write a short birthday card to a bereaved mother I know that there are no appropriate greetings for a day like this. I wish with all my heart that I could just say “Happy birthday!”  but I know it would mean nothing to you and maybe it would make you feel even more heartbroken.
I wish I could give you a day filled with laughter and joy but instead you’ll probably have just another day of tearful eyes and a heart filled with love.
I wish I could give back to you all the light and love that you have shone on my soul when I was in my darkest moments so that it could brighten up your day and help you see the rainbow. You know even though the most beautiful stars only shine in darkens, rainbows chose to live in the light and that is where your soul will be reborn. Continue reading “My favorite color is … Rainbow”

Thanks Mom…

More than a week after my birthday, I finally got myself to write these words. I don’t know why it took me so long, but it just seems like these “special” days are just too unbearable to think of.

For years and years my husband and I have celebrated my birth week, I would get presents everyday and my existence would be celebrated for seven days each year … it used to be sweet and lovable but this year I couldn’t even do it for one day…

The first and only thing I could wish upon when I woke up in the morning was for the pain to go away. But it cannot because this pain is the sign of unimaginable love, a love that fills my heart and makes my soul shine bright in the darkness of my life, a love that not even death can take away. Continue reading “Thanks Mom…”

Life Is Precious And Equally Vulnerable

Six weeks ago a one pound ten ounces baby girl came into this world, and every day since that day I’ve been finding out just how little I had figured out about everything. That is life though, isn’t it? The privilege to dream up dreams and formulate plans is what makes life so precious and equally vulnerable. I feel as though I learn a little bit about myself and life in general every day, most of the times the things I’ve learned lately bring tears to my eyes but some of them are tears of joy. These are tears that have uncovered the most heartbreaking pain of all but also tears that stand as a testimony of great great love.

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Happy Birthday Baby Girl!

My memory never served me well, I don’t remember my everyday schedule, I don’t remember birthdays, I don’t remember  doctor’s appointments,  I don’t even remember our anniversary, but my phone, my most loyal servant is always there for me with useful reminders and mementos that I desperately need.
Today my phone’s screen did not light up, it did not have to, I knew even before my mind woke up to reality that it had been a month since I brought you into this world. In this sea of things that I do not remember, I remember perfectly the night that I gave birth to you, I remember every moment we spent together eating, laughing, knitting, loving, I remember every kick my rib cage was blessed with while you were practicing your graceful ballerina moves, I remember the three kicks you gifted your father with the night before our future was torn to pieces and spread across the skies so that we can never find it again, I remember the chocolate, raspberry and sour cherry cake I had planned to make for your one month anniversary … I remember EVERYTHING. Continue reading “Happy Birthday Baby Girl!”