Capture your Grief – Day 30. My promise to you

Dear kind soul,
I have kept my promise to you and from that promise she was born. First she was just an idea, then she was an ideal we struggled to reach, then she was two lines on a pregnancy test and a dot on an ultrasound but more than anything she was love.
The day she was born I made another promise, a very special one that only the two of us know about (let’s just call it a mother daughter secret ) and just as she was born out of a promise she will forever live in my promise, in our promise … a promise of a lifetime.

Capture your Grief – Day 12. Lemons + Lemonade

The best card I ever got said “when life gives you dirt, plant some flowers”. That is what I have been doing for the past six months… planting flowers in my heart and in front of our apartment building. I have cared for these beautiful flowers on my good days and my bad days, in good weather or bad, come hell or high water I cleaned Francesca’s garden and watered the flowers. I smiled when the first leaves came out from the ground but I have also cried when the first ones came to bloom. Life has give us a lot of dirt but we make a choice every day to tend to the garden in our hearts.
Same goes for the lemons I guess… life can give us the most bitter lemons but if we chose to add a little bit of sugar (to be read as LOVE) we might end up with the best lemonade ever!!!

Six months ago…

Love creates more love

My dearest love,

Five years ago today I was unsure… Unsure I would have a good hair day, unsure of walking in those damn five inch heals shoes , unsure  I would look pretty enough, unsure I was good enough for you … but I was never unsure of wanting to marry you… You, the man I fell in love with more that ten years ago, the man whose blue eyes mesmerize me every time I look into them, the man who still kisses me with the same passion he did the very first time, the man whose embrace makes me feel safe even in my darkest hour… I was never unsure of that.

This has been an interesting road we’ve been walking for the past five years … We have walked under beautiful blue skies and in pitch darkness but the only thing that matters is that we have walked side by side and that we never let go of each other and that is something i am thankful for everyday.

With you and because of you I have learned what true love is in all it’s sense… And I will never be able to thank you enough for this great gift that you have given me.
I have learned that love is not always smiley and joyful but that it can simply be your lifeline in your deepest sorrow and that is more important than all the smiles in the world.

On this beautiful day while sailing the Mediterranean sea together I can honestly say that I have no regrets. Do I wish we would be changing stinky diapers and struggling to stay awake after countless sleepless nights? YES!!!! But that does not mean I do not appreciate our love with everything I have or that I feel that it is not enough…
You, my love, have taught me what it means to be loved and because of you I have also learned what it means to love with every cell in my body. Our love has created more love and I love our love with everything I have…
Happy nannynursery my love…

My favorite color is … Rainbow

Dear rainbow hunter,

As I sit here doing my best to write a short birthday card to a bereaved mother I know that there are no appropriate greetings for a day like this. I wish with all my heart that I could just say “Happy birthday!”  but I know it would mean nothing to you and maybe it would make you feel even more heartbroken.
I wish I could give you a day filled with laughter and joy but instead you’ll probably have just another day of tearful eyes and a heart filled with love.
I wish I could give back to you all the light and love that you have shone on my soul when I was in my darkest moments so that it could brighten up your day and help you see the rainbow. You know even though the most beautiful stars only shine in darkens, rainbows chose to live in the light and that is where your soul will be reborn. Continue reading “My favorite color is … Rainbow”

Thanks Mom…

More than a week after my birthday, I finally got myself to write these words. I don’t know why it took me so long, but it just seems like these “special” days are just too unbearable to think of.

For years and years my husband and I have celebrated my birth week, I would get presents everyday and my existence would be celebrated for seven days each year … it used to be sweet and lovable but this year I couldn’t even do it for one day…

The first and only thing I could wish upon when I woke up in the morning was for the pain to go away. But it cannot because this pain is the sign of unimaginable love, a love that fills my heart and makes my soul shine bright in the darkness of my life, a love that not even death can take away. Continue reading “Thanks Mom…”

On This Day…

Dear Papa Bear,
On this day, when a big part of the society we live in celebrates what is supposed to be a wonderful day, a day that you, the men in our lives, deserve completely, I will speak on behalf of our daughter and I will tell you that she would have loved to be able to hug you and tell you that you are a wonderful Dad, today and every day.

Although she is not here and is unable to give you this gift, Francesca is extremely proud to have chosen you to be her father and she would have wished for the two of you to be able to do all the things you dreamed of. She wanted, from the bottom of her tiny heart, for you to be able to hold her hand while you wonder in amazement how small her hand is in comparison to yours. She wanted for you to carry her on your shoulders and fly her around the house as you do with Tatty Teddy. She wanted to dance with you. She wanted to be your “player two”. She wanted you to teach her how to ride a bike. She wanted to smile at you every day. She wanted to paint your nails and have tea parties with you. She wanted you to finally get to wear that T-shirt that you never did. She wanted you to know that you are LOVED. Continue reading “On This Day…”

Happy Birthday Baby Girl!

My memory never served me well, I don’t remember my everyday schedule, I don’t remember birthdays, I don’t remember  doctor’s appointments,  I don’t even remember our anniversary, but my phone, my most loyal servant is always there for me with useful reminders and mementos that I desperately need.
Today my phone’s screen did not light up, it did not have to, I knew even before my mind woke up to reality that it had been a month since I brought you into this world. In this sea of things that I do not remember, I remember perfectly the night that I gave birth to you, I remember every moment we spent together eating, laughing, knitting, loving, I remember every kick my rib cage was blessed with while you were practicing your graceful ballerina moves, I remember the three kicks you gifted your father with the night before our future was torn to pieces and spread across the skies so that we can never find it again, I remember the chocolate, raspberry and sour cherry cake I had planned to make for your one month anniversary … I remember EVERYTHING. Continue reading “Happy Birthday Baby Girl!”