Capture your Grief – Day 18. Healing Therapies

When I was little my mom used to draw my art class homework so that the children in school would not make fun of my lack of talent. Calling me an artistic fiasco would be an understatement and my mom would not allow my heart to break over such insignificant matters. Continue reading “Capture your Grief – Day 18. Healing Therapies”

Capture your Grief – Day 17. Sacred Space

There are a gazillion sacred spaces I keep just for her. One little sacred space in each and every one of the pieces of my broken heart. I know I will never be able to bring them all back together and see the big picture but I can let them shine one by one like the stars on a summer night.

At home, this is our sacred space, it might not look glamorous or shiny but I see it with my minds eye and it is beautiful 🙂

Capture your Grief – Day 9. Surrender + Embrace

Grief is like being shipwrecked on a stormy night.
In the darkness of the night you say good-bye to the ship that was your life as you watch it go down together with most of your friends. You find yourself alone and scared slowly drowning in a sea of pain. The waves keep taking you under as you fight with everything you have to survive and as you feel your power to fight give up you surrender to this grief and let the sea embrace you.
Some days the sea is calm and other times giant waves of pain will still hit you and take you under even after you think you have mastered your survival skills but as long as you know that love is more powerful than pain you can do this.

Capture your Grief – Day 8. Beautiful mysteries

Every time I see or hear the word beautiful, her name comes to mind, I paint every letter in my head in pink watercolor and read it out loud so that the world can hear it and not forget that she was here. But today is not about her, today is about mysteries and she is not one at all, for I carry her in my heart always and I know who she is every second of every day.
She is the hope I cling on to as I step into this beautiful mystery that is our future. She is the reason for which I believe this world deserves all the love we can give it and the reason for which I choose to believe that no matter what this mysterious future holds it will be BEAUTIFUL … like her… Francesca…

Capture your Grief – Day 6. Empathy

Empathy: noun, “the ability to share someone else’s feelings or experiences by imagining what it would be like to be in that person’s situation”

Now, empathy or better yet the lack of it in my life after loss looked a bit different.

Empathy was NOT the silence of the phone that only rang once a day.

Empathy was NOT the “i’m sorry for your loss” cards that i never got or the silence that took over a room whenever I walked in.

Continue reading “Capture your Grief – Day 6. Empathy”

Capture your Grief – Day 5. The Unspoken

“Words are an incredible thing. They can say so much or so little. They can ruin friendships but they can also mend broken hearts. Words are precious, for even when they are not enough they are the only thing we have that comes close to expressing the way we feel. There are times, hell most of the times, when words are not enough, they cannot fully express how deeply you love one person or how you feel that your heart and soul are broken in millions of tiny pieces that you think you will never find again.

Sometimes words need to be heard and there are times when they only need to be spoken. Continue reading “Capture your Grief – Day 5. The Unspoken”

Capture your Grief – Day 4. Support Circles

There are many things that I have learned on this grief journey and one of them is the meaning of support.
Support is the husband that holds you in his arms and rubs your back while you cry your eyes out even when others think you should have “gotten over it by now”.
Support is the teddy you carried out of the hospital when you were unable to take your baby home like everyone else.
Continue reading “Capture your Grief – Day 4. Support Circles”

Six months ago…

This is life in color

Before my daughter’s existence split our life in two I used to see the world in pastel colors. The colors were muted and sometimes lifeless, a beautiful pale girly pink, like the one for ballerinas … my ballerina. I didn’t realize that life’s colors are not just pink and pastels but that it lies  in front of us in thousand of colors unseen before.

Once we had Francesca I learned that the intensity of a color can even hurt your soul, that sometimes love’s red can shatter your entire heart and that the longing is the same color as the sea that drowns you. Other times life can be a non-color, it can be black and white or seventy thousand shades of grey, but somehow the colors always come back and intertwine with our heart revealing unsuspected feelings.

After Francesca was born I started noticing all these things and now the world lies in front of my eyes in colors that are much more intense.   Now I realize what is important and I’m learning to appreciate every color that life gives me. I have learned that the intensity of a feeling can determine the intensity of the color that surrounds it. Continue reading “This is life in color”

My black pencil full of led…

One of my first memories takes place somewhere in my early childhood years, when I was learning to color and my mother was teaching me how to use coloring pencils in such a way that I stay between the lines. Somehow my imagination always knew better. Back then life was made out of a bunch of colorful pencils, pink, purple, blue, green. Back then I did not know there were more shades to the same color, I did not know that pink (your color) can turn into red (the color of the love I feel for you) if you add just a pinch of black. Back then I did not know that black can turn into gray when the pain starts to fade away but it can also come back to its initial intensity when the pain returns with the same force as it did the very first day.
I used to dream that one day I would show you these coloring pencils. I used to dream that I would smile and that my eyes would sparkle, like your dad says only my eyes can (but I’m sure yours would have done the same). I used to dream that we would embark on a journey filled with imagination and love, that we would color a coloring book with no lines and I was sure that your imagination would take us in faraway lands and tales of princes and princesses. Continue reading “My black pencil full of led…”