Seven months ago, today, I watched the sun go down for the first time with a broken heart. I wished it would never rise again, but it did as it has done for millions of years. And as I watch every sunset and sunrise bring color back into my life I realize that no matter how much time goes by my love for you is everlasting, never changing and unwavering and that our “love sun” will never set no matter what the future brings… Love you always baby girl!
Dear kind soul,
I have kept my promise to you and from that promise she was born. First she was just an idea, then she was an ideal we struggled to reach, then she was two lines on a pregnancy test and a dot on an ultrasound but more than anything she was love.
The day she was born I made another promise, a very special one that only the two of us know about (let’s just call it a mother daughter secret ) and just as she was born out of a promise she will forever live in my promise, in our promise … a promise of a lifetime.
I gave away a big chunk of my heart the day I found out I was pregnant. In return I got to know a beautiful little ballerina, I get to appreciate every moment I have with the people I love and most of all I get to be her mom.
Even after her death, Francesca taught me how to be kind and less judgmental, how to be supportive and loving and through her existence she made sure that kindness will be spread into this world long after her journey here ended.
Much love baby girl!!!!
Self care and self compassion were not really my thing even before Francesca was born. After she died I could not get out of bed for days at an end, let alone shower or comb my hair. Looking back I was probably a very stinky mess but none of my loved ones said anything about it… my guess is they were afraid the stinky mess would bite their heads off.
After I graduated from my no light in the room, no shower, no food, no words phase I realized that the best self care I could show myself is to allow my soul to feel, that was far more important than any fancy food or Spa day I could treat my body with.
So on days when I’m on the dark side of the carousel my self care treatment consist of her Tatty Teddy, my Tatty Teddy blanket, a nice cup of tea sipped from my very special ballerina cup, my winter wool boots, my yoga pants, and a good book… this is what self compassion looks like to me.
This is our little family… You might have gotten your math wrong after looking at our family portrait so let me set it right for you. This is our family of four people and a bear… you might not see two of the people in the photo but I assure you they are there and I can tell you that they are the most precious little girls this world has ever seen.
They will forever be a part of our family just like any other little soul who will decide to join us on this journey that we call life.
I don’t think we are ever truly healed of the pain and longing that we feel after our children die but there are things that make our days bearable, things that make hope shine again and bring light into our darkness.
There are soooo many things that have helped me, I could never keep track of all of them so I’ll just tell you about the ones that go through my mind at this time.
It all begins with the small things: music, pasta, color, chocolate, drawing, M&M’s, painting, pizza, sleep, ice cream, darkness, chips, photography, macaroons, coloring books, cherry coke, reading, popcorn, meditation… well I guess you figured it out by now… I’m a foodie 😀.
All these things helped down the road but there was only one thing that I held on to like I was holding on to dear life and that was LOVE… it has been my salvation through my darkest hour and I have faith that it will forever be the thing that never lets me down.
Love was in my every smile ever since I first laid eyes on my husband, It was in my every heartbeat after I became pregnant and in every tear after her heart stopped beating.
Love is in his every embrace as he rocks me while I weep, in his every touch and every good morning kiss, love is in every glance that we share, in every dance we dance, in every word he whispers in my ear when he says “It might be us against the world but we have each other and that’s what’s important”.
My love for him is my choice to march on everyday because I know he will never let go of my hand no matter the pain.
My love for my princesses is in my heart’s choice to keep beating for me and for them… my heart beats for three… I wonder if that means I get a longer life 😀
Love has brought this pain, longing and heartache would never exist without love, but it is also the only thing capable of healing and I will choose it every day of my life.
I wish …we had forever…
I remember …falling in love with you.
I could not believe… I had to give you back.
If only… you could have stayed.
I am… still alive…
You know those movies where someone is kidnapped and they are held prisoners in a car, so whenever they drive by some other cars they hold out a paper that says “Help me!” or “Save me”?
While my conscious mind was writing that last sentence, I could literally see an animation of my broken heart holding a paper that said
“I AM HER MOTHER”
What I am trying to say is that while I am still alive, I am also her mother… it is only a matter of perspective and who you choose to listen to, the heart or the mind… if you ask me I’ll choose my very broken heart every single time because every piece of it is filled with love for her
I think I rewrote this post about a dozen times but words seem to fail me miserably today. So I’ll just leave you with the lyrics of a song I love deeply, a song I never thought could mean so much until it did:
“oh they say people come, say people go
this particular diamond was extra special
and though you might be gone, and the world may not know
still I see you, celestial
like a lion you ran, a goddess you rolled
like an eagle you circled, in perfect purple
so how come things move on, how come cars don’t slow
when it feels like the end of my world
when I should but I can’t let you go?
but when I’m cold, cold
oh when I’m cold, cold
there’s a light that you give me when I’m in shadow
there’s a feeling you give me, an everglow
what I wouldn’t give for just a moment to hold
yeah I live for this feeling this everglow
so if you love someone, you should let them know
oh the light that you left me will everglow ”
My love for you will everglow baby girl!
I remember, in the very first weeks after, I read as many blogs and Facebook post about grief as my heart could take. I guess I was searching for something… don’t ask me what because I will not be able to tell you but my guess is I was looking for something to save me from the hell I was going through.
I did not find what I was looking for BUT I remember reading one thing that forever stuck in my mind, something that made me laugh, cry and nod my head in agreement for a long long time.
It said “Grief comes in three stages: the beginning, the middle, the rest of your life.”
I read it right around the time I was starting to wonder if the pain will ever go away… and there it was… the answer to my question… the acknowledgment of my deepest fear and the acceptance of the fact that what I was feeling was OK.
Things are a lot less foggy right now and it has become clear to me that grief will be my companion through the rest of my life but I have also come to understand that it only exists as a proof of the deepest love I have for Francesca. And since I plan to love her for as many days as I have on this Earth … bring it on Grief!
Every morning, as the sun rises, a mother whispers lovingly “Good morning princess” as she smiles up to the skies. And every night just before she falls asleep she sends sweet kisses up to the stars hoping that her baby girl gets each and every one of them. Continue reading “Capture your Grief – Day 19. Grief Rituals”