So today was suppose to be about meditating while we look at the full moon. But since the weather is all gloomy and there does not seem to be a full moon in sight I’ll just tell you about the last time I just sat and looked at the stars.
A month ago while sailing the Adriatic sea, Francesca’s dad and I laid back on the deck one night and took it all in. I remember how my hand felt in his and my voice whispering “I hope she’s ok”... and through the darkness his voice touched my heart as he said those words I really needed to hear “She is, my love, she is”. I’ll never forget that moment .. the moment I felt hope coming back to me. So wherever you are tonight, whether or not you can see the full moon hold on to hope and love… they will save you in your darkest times.
In the first two months after you had left this world I would not allow myself to go to bed unless I had lit a candle at the church near by, a little light for you to see and know that we love you deeply. So every night, no matter the weather I would walk to the church and light your candles through tears and whispered prayers. At some point people were telling me this had to stop but my heart was telling me otherwise. So I kept on walking the same path up until my broken heart figured it out all on it’s own that I could keep this candle burning inside of me for it to light both my darkness and your way home.
While the wave of light travels the world tonight, you will also have your special little candle burning but know this my sweet ballerina, if ever the wind blows out your candle or rain pours down on it, the light in my heart will always burn for you.
In the millions of years this world has seen there were many wars that started over this topic and I am not going to start another one now. We are all free to have our very own beliefs and we should not judge anyone because whether they choose to believe God is a higher power or just everyone else’s imaginary friend that is their choice and you will never know why the made it…
I choose not to share my beliefs with you today, not because they are secret but because they change on a daily basis. However, what I can tell you for sure is that I hope with everything I have that at the end of this life we will get to hold her, love her and do all the things we missed out on…
While you kept on turning, death hit the pause button on my life when Francesca’s heart stopped beating. I know I am small and insignificant, just a drop in an ocean but my love for her is a spark in a sea of grey and you can see it from way up high. She is my daughter, she will forever be my daughter, she is precious, she is kind, she made the world a better place, she is loved and she deserves to be remembered. So, whenever you feel like your instincts are telling you to just sweep her under the rug and pretend that she was never here remember that before she died, she lived and her life deserves to be honored.
As brushes stroke the paper mixing watercolors and painting flowers and butterflies my heart sees other things.
I see a beautiful blue eyed toddler running around me in the middle of a poppy field, I see a long haired princess having a tea party with her daddy and Tatty Teddy, I see a tiny ballerina at her very first dance recital, I see a six year old girly girl holding her Tatty Teddy really tight on her first day of school, I see an amazingly beautiful teenager who loves books and music, I see an excited young lady going on her very first date, I see a smiley lady going away to college, I see the most beautiful woman walking down the aisle her daddy by her side, I see Francesca on a poppy field and a beautiful toddler running around her and as I see the light in her eyes (the same one I have every time I think of her) I wonder… Do you suppose she is a wildflower?
She is in everything around me. She is in the air I breathe, in the wind on my face, in the flowers and the butterflies, she’s in the falling leaves and in the winter snow… she is in everything.
Her tiny ballerina feet step silent and invisible into this world but my heart can hear them and my eyes can see them even if you don’t. My heart smiles every time I see a butterfly, every time a bird sings, every time a rainbow shines because her soul is all around us. I know some find it crazy that I choose to see thing this way but her beauty has taught me to appreciate the beauty of this world, the beauty of nature and she is worth being thought of because I love her every second of every day.
Grief is like being shipwrecked on a stormy night.
In the darkness of the night you say good-bye to the ship that was your life as you watch it go down together with most of your friends. You find yourself alone and scared slowly drowning in a sea of pain. The waves keep taking you under as you fight with everything you have to survive and as you feel your power to fight give up you surrender to this grief and let the sea embrace you.
Some days the sea is calm and other times giant waves of pain will still hit you and take you under even after you think you have mastered your survival skills but as long as you know that love is more powerful than pain you can do this.
Every time I see or hear the word beautiful, her name comes to mind, I paint every letter in my head in pink watercolor and read it out loud so that the world can hear it and not forget that she was here. But today is not about her, today is about mysteries and she is not one at all, for I carry her in my heart always and I know who she is every second of every day.
She is the hope I cling on to as I step into this beautiful mystery that is our future. She is the reason for which I believe this world deserves all the love we can give it and the reason for which I choose to believe that no matter what this mysterious future holds it will be BEAUTIFUL … like her… Francesca…
There are so many things I could talk about when it comes to myths regarding grief but I’ll just chose the biggest one of all.
It’s been more than six month since we have started walking on this journey and the thing I’ve heard most often is that “TIME heals all wounds”. I’m pretty sure that the person who first said that knew nothing of child loss.
Continue reading “Capture your Grief – Day 7. Myths”
Empathy: noun, “the ability to share someone else’s feelings or experiences by imagining what it would be like to be in that person’s situation”
Now, empathy or better yet the lack of it in my life after loss looked a bit different.
Empathy was NOT the silence of the phone that only rang once a day.
Empathy was NOT the “i’m sorry for your loss” cards that i never got or the silence that took over a room whenever I walked in.
Continue reading “Capture your Grief – Day 6. Empathy”