Dear kind soul,
I have kept my promise to you and from that promise she was born. First she was just an idea, then she was an ideal we struggled to reach, then she was two lines on a pregnancy test and a dot on an ultrasound but more than anything she was love.
The day she was born I made another promise, a very special one that only the two of us know about (let’s just call it a mother daughter secret ) and just as she was born out of a promise she will forever live in my promise, in our promise … a promise of a lifetime.
In the millions of years this world has seen there were many wars that started over this topic and I am not going to start another one now. We are all free to have our very own beliefs and we should not judge anyone because whether they choose to believe God is a higher power or just everyone else’s imaginary friend that is their choice and you will never know why the made it…
I choose not to share my beliefs with you today, not because they are secret but because they change on a daily basis. However, what I can tell you for sure is that I hope with everything I have that at the end of this life we will get to hold her, love her and do all the things we missed out on…
While you kept on turning, death hit the pause button on my life when Francesca’s heart stopped beating. I know I am small and insignificant, just a drop in an ocean but my love for her is a spark in a sea of grey and you can see it from way up high. She is my daughter, she will forever be my daughter, she is precious, she is kind, she made the world a better place, she is loved and she deserves to be remembered. So, whenever you feel like your instincts are telling you to just sweep her under the rug and pretend that she was never here remember that before she died, she lived and her life deserves to be honored.
“Words are an incredible thing. They can say so much or so little. They can ruin friendships but they can also mend broken hearts. Words are precious, for even when they are not enough they are the only thing we have that comes close to expressing the way we feel. There are times, hell most of the times, when words are not enough, they cannot fully express how deeply you love one person or how you feel that your heart and soul are broken in millions of tiny pieces that you think you will never find again.
Sometimes words need to be heard and there are times when they only need to be spoken. Continue reading “Capture your Grief – Day 5. The Unspoken”
There are many things that I have learned on this grief journey and one of them is the meaning of support.
Support is the husband that holds you in his arms and rubs your back while you cry your eyes out even when others think you should have “gotten over it by now”.
Support is the teddy you carried out of the hospital when you were unable to take your baby home like everyone else.
Continue reading “Capture your Grief – Day 4. Support Circles”
The day Francesca’s precious heart stopped beating was the same day I said good-bye to the old happy, giggly me and was reborn into a still mother, an invisible mother. I do not like to go back and think of what it felt like because truly there was only sorrow and pain in the first few months of our journey … It felt like constantly drowning in a sea of sadness or walking endless days in a forest where darkness reigns.
Ultimately she was the one who helped me be reborn, the one who was and always will be my dawn in my worst night.
Before my daughter’s existence split our life in two I used to see the world in pastel colors. The colors were muted and sometimes lifeless, a beautiful pale girly pink, like the one for ballerinas … my ballerina. I didn’t realize that life’s colors are not just pink and pastels but that it lies in front of us in thousand of colors unseen before.
Once we had Francesca I learned that the intensity of a color can even hurt your soul, that sometimes love’s red can shatter your entire heart and that the longing is the same color as the sea that drowns you. Other times life can be a non-color, it can be black and white or seventy thousand shades of grey, but somehow the colors always come back and intertwine with our heart revealing unsuspected feelings.
After Francesca was born I started noticing all these things and now the world lies in front of my eyes in colors that are much more intense. Now I realize what is important and I’m learning to appreciate every color that life gives me. I have learned that the intensity of a feeling can determine the intensity of the color that surrounds it. Continue reading “This is life in color”
Though I wish I didn’t know you, we have become close friends and I’m terribly sorry for that. But since we are here already, there is nothing else for me to do than to ask you in, invite you at our table and offer you a coffee, maybe even a piece of cake… Welcome to the dark side… we have cookies.
It’s been such a hard road, with you by my side and most days I wish I could just figure out how others made it out alive because sometimes I don’t know if I can.
Your presence is like the hug of the true friends than never came, it holds on really tight. Most of the times it still feels like some sort of quicksand that might suffocate me… I guess the best thing I can do is stop fighting it. Continue reading “Dear Grief…”
More than a week after my birthday, I finally got myself to write these words. I don’t know why it took me so long, but it just seems like these “special” days are just too unbearable to think of.
For years and years my husband and I have celebrated my birth week, I would get presents everyday and my existence would be celebrated for seven days each year … it used to be sweet and lovable but this year I couldn’t even do it for one day…
The first and only thing I could wish upon when I woke up in the morning was for the pain to go away. But it cannot because this pain is the sign of unimaginable love, a love that fills my heart and makes my soul shine bright in the darkness of my life, a love that not even death can take away. Continue reading “Thanks Mom…”