Dear kind soul,
I have kept my promise to you and from that promise she was born. First she was just an idea, then she was an ideal we struggled to reach, then she was two lines on a pregnancy test and a dot on an ultrasound but more than anything she was love.
The day she was born I made another promise, a very special one that only the two of us know about (let’s just call it a mother daughter secret ) and just as she was born out of a promise she will forever live in my promise, in our promise … a promise of a lifetime.
This is our little family… You might have gotten your math wrong after looking at our family portrait so let me set it right for you. This is our family of four people and a bear… you might not see two of the people in the photo but I assure you they are there and I can tell you that they are the most precious little girls this world has ever seen.
They will forever be a part of our family just like any other little soul who will decide to join us on this journey that we call life.
I don’t think we are ever truly healed of the pain and longing that we feel after our children die but there are things that make our days bearable, things that make hope shine again and bring light into our darkness.
There are soooo many things that have helped me, I could never keep track of all of them so I’ll just tell you about the ones that go through my mind at this time.
It all begins with the small things: music, pasta, color, chocolate, drawing, M&M’s, painting, pizza, sleep, ice cream, darkness, chips, photography, macaroons, coloring books, cherry coke, reading, popcorn, meditation… well I guess you figured it out by now… I’m a foodie 😀.
All these things helped down the road but there was only one thing that I held on to like I was holding on to dear life and that was LOVE… it has been my salvation through my darkest hour and I have faith that it will forever be the thing that never lets me down.
Love was in my every smile ever since I first laid eyes on my husband, It was in my every heartbeat after I became pregnant and in every tear after her heart stopped beating.
Love is in his every embrace as he rocks me while I weep, in his every touch and every good morning kiss, love is in every glance that we share, in every dance we dance, in every word he whispers in my ear when he says “It might be us against the world but we have each other and that’s what’s important”.
My love for him is my choice to march on everyday because I know he will never let go of my hand no matter the pain.
My love for my princesses is in my heart’s choice to keep beating for me and for them… my heart beats for three… I wonder if that means I get a longer life 😀
Love has brought this pain, longing and heartache would never exist without love, but it is also the only thing capable of healing and I will choose it every day of my life.
I wish …we had forever…
I remember …falling in love with you.
I could not believe… I had to give you back.
If only… you could have stayed.
I am… still alive…
You know those movies where someone is kidnapped and they are held prisoners in a car, so whenever they drive by some other cars they hold out a paper that says “Help me!” or “Save me”?
While my conscious mind was writing that last sentence, I could literally see an animation of my broken heart holding a paper that said
“I AM HER MOTHER”
What I am trying to say is that while I am still alive, I am also her mother… it is only a matter of perspective and who you choose to listen to, the heart or the mind… if you ask me I’ll choose my very broken heart every single time because every piece of it is filled with love for her
I remember, in the very first weeks after, I read as many blogs and Facebook post about grief as my heart could take. I guess I was searching for something… don’t ask me what because I will not be able to tell you but my guess is I was looking for something to save me from the hell I was going through.
I did not find what I was looking for BUT I remember reading one thing that forever stuck in my mind, something that made me laugh, cry and nod my head in agreement for a long long time.
It said “Grief comes in three stages: the beginning, the middle, the rest of your life.”
I read it right around the time I was starting to wonder if the pain will ever go away… and there it was… the answer to my question… the acknowledgment of my deepest fear and the acceptance of the fact that what I was feeling was OK.
Things are a lot less foggy right now and it has become clear to me that grief will be my companion through the rest of my life but I have also come to understand that it only exists as a proof of the deepest love I have for Francesca. And since I plan to love her for as many days as I have on this Earth … bring it on Grief!
Every morning, as the sun rises, a mother whispers lovingly “Good morning princess” as she smiles up to the skies. And every night just before she falls asleep she sends sweet kisses up to the stars hoping that her baby girl gets each and every one of them. Continue reading “Capture your Grief – Day 19. Grief Rituals”
When I was little my mom used to draw my art class homework so that the children in school would not make fun of my lack of talent. Calling me an artistic fiasco would be an understatement and my mom would not allow my heart to break over such insignificant matters. Continue reading “Capture your Grief – Day 18. Healing Therapies”
There are a gazillion sacred spaces I keep just for her. One little sacred space in each and every one of the pieces of my broken heart. I know I will never be able to bring them all back together and see the big picture but I can let them shine one by one like the stars on a summer night.
At home, this is our sacred space, it might not look glamorous or shiny but I see it with my minds eye and it is beautiful 🙂
So today was suppose to be about meditating while we look at the full moon. But since the weather is all gloomy and there does not seem to be a full moon in sight I’ll just tell you about the last time I just sat and looked at the stars.
A month ago while sailing the Adriatic sea, Francesca’s dad and I laid back on the deck one night and took it all in. I remember how my hand felt in his and my voice whispering “I hope she’s ok”... and through the darkness his voice touched my heart as he said those words I really needed to hear “She is, my love, she is”. I’ll never forget that moment .. the moment I felt hope coming back to me. So wherever you are tonight, whether or not you can see the full moon hold on to hope and love… they will save you in your darkest times.
In the first two months after you had left this world I would not allow myself to go to bed unless I had lit a candle at the church near by, a little light for you to see and know that we love you deeply. So every night, no matter the weather I would walk to the church and light your candles through tears and whispered prayers. At some point people were telling me this had to stop but my heart was telling me otherwise. So I kept on walking the same path up until my broken heart figured it out all on it’s own that I could keep this candle burning inside of me for it to light both my darkness and your way home.
While the wave of light travels the world tonight, you will also have your special little candle burning but know this my sweet ballerina, if ever the wind blows out your candle or rain pours down on it, the light in my heart will always burn for you.